Dear John Cleese, A Response to Mr. Cleese's Proposal

(Before you read this, you might want to read the comments attributed to John Cleese in the post just below this one.)

Dear John (and by default all the British Empire--oh, I forgot there isn't one any more),

Thank you so much for your kind offer to help us out of our political plight. Trying to color (or should I say colour?) coordinate blue and red states has really been culturally trying for us here in the U.S.

You British have always seemed to do so well with the countries that you have managed. After all, look at the fine job you did in Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, South Africa, Ireland, Scotland, Rhodesia, Hong Kong, Burma, Iraq and so many other fine countries which threw you out—obviously through no fault of your own. Of course, we Americans have learned so much from your historical efforts and fine example.

We also have to thank you for such important international economic and cultural contributions, such as Mad Cow Disease, English Ovals cigarettes, the Rolling Stones (You knighted Sir Mick Jagger! What were you thinking?), the Spice Girls and a stiff upper lip.

To have your Queen as my new King will be a breath of fresh air. Is that correct, by the way? Is she really the king too? She always did appear more kingly in any case. That royal family resemblance must have come from a serious interbreeding problem—probably with royal horses or hares. The teeth and ears seem to be the give-away, especially in Prince Charles. One question though: has all that inbreeding led to eyesight problems too? No offense, but the choice between Princess Diane and Camila Parker Bowles is like a choice between one of your London telephone hookers and one of your London telephone booths.

I so look forward to the British way of governing. I was terribly impressed with the trash lorrie (we call them garbage trucks here) route discussion in a National Parliament committee meeting that I attended a few years ago in London. That is what we need our national leaders discussing: a proper and productive trash route. Perhaps you could put Carl Rove and VP Richard Cheney on this assignment post haste. I have also been so excited by viewing your political races for Parliament and for the Prime Minister. They are nearly as exhilarating as one of our local justice of the peace or dogcatcher elections.

Your Prime Minister is also very impressive, and the courage he has consistently displayed by standing up to our Carl Rove-elected President, as well as French President Jacques Chirac, is just astounding. I also did not realize that he shared so many things with our red-state leader, including that they are both born-again Christians who like to have fun. And wasn't it British "Intelligence" that came up with the idea that the Iraqis had a nuclear bomb program made from Coke cans (or their inferior equivalent)? Definitely a group ahead of their time.

John, I do, however, have to take issue with your pronouncements on what you call our lack of a "vocabulary". How about you Brits? For instance, how exactly does one translate: "Pip, pip!" and "Roger that"? As I understand it, your money is in pounds, your weight is in stones, your measurements are in both inches and kilometers, and your petrol comes in something called a "royal gallon" (what is so royal about it, except for the price?). And why can't you call a simple circle a circle. Why turn them into "roundabouts" and "circuses"? A circus has clowns and acrobats for god's sake! I go to Piccadilly Circus expecting clowns and three rings and what do I get? Lots of noise, a traffic jam and nary a clown to be seen. You Brits also don't seem to know the difference between a car trunk and a boot. Please note that a boot is something that you would put on your foot, not something you load your luggage into. If we are going to merge, you simply must learn to use proper English and eliminate words, such as lifts (elevators please), bins (garbage cans), lorries (trucks), etc. And what is it with your Frenchifizing (or is that Frenchifising?) our mutual language. Why is a zucchini now a "courgette"? And the color (ok, colour) is purple, NOT "aubergine".

Speaking of which, your menus are the most obscure and disgusting that I have seen worldwide. Squeak, bangers and mash indeed. Oh, and that is another thing. Before we let you take charge of the U.S., you simply have to do something about British food. Burning it or burying it comes to mind—that is, if you rewrite your environmental laws to the same level as our standards here.

Of course, you have so many healthy and productive pastimes in England, including smoking (which alone puts your national emissions well beyond its 10-year limits under the Kyoto accords), eating fatty foods that would clog a London sewer drain and drinking more warm beer (I guess you can't afford the electricity or ice now that you are a second rate power again) than the volume of Lake Michigan every week.

Yes, I know, we Americans do have too many guns. But besides letting our criminals have them, we at least make sure our police and citizens have them too. You have to make it a fair fight. Having your "bobbies" point a wooden baton at a criminal who has a machine gun or an AK-47 seems to be missing the point. And what is it with that word "bobbie"? Some of your police men and women must have names other than Robert and Roberta.

And, yes, we have therapists, while you have English boarding schools. Those certainly helped you maintain your proper English balance and sanity, and kept you on the "straight and narrow" path--at least so to speak. I guess that is one more reason for your many huddles during your rugby games. Male bonding, what a great idea! And your concepts of sexuality are so…a…hmmm… Well, perhaps another topic. How about the other sport?

Soccer. Yes, the sportsman-like (hmm, what other word could I use here?) conduct of your fans are legendary--especially to police in most European and UK cities.

I don't quite know why you are not taken with our baseball. It is just a simpler version of your insanely confusing, complicated and totally non-understandable game of cricket on steroids. Frankly I wish both would be banned entirely, along with Barry Bonds-whose legendary politeness is finally understandable.

Now your driving system is certainly worth emulating, given how overwhelmingly it is used worldwide. Why I could actually now learn to drive in important places such as Bermuda without getting killed getting out of the airport! And the British have produced some of the many great automobiles that have made the English Service Stations the institutions they are today, for example Jaguar, Rolls, MG and Bentley. If it weren't for the Americans, who else would buy these hidebound companies out of bankruptcy? Hmmm. Maybe the Germans do seem smarter than both of us.

If we have to accept your petrol prices, you need to pay our doctor bills. Of course, we actually get to see our doctors sometimes--just not for flu shots. Of course, said flu shots were supposed to be manufactured where? Oh, yes, in England!

We promise not to ever let Andie MacDowell near a British accent or even a good English Stilton. On the other hand, it would be a good faith gesture to stop exporting all of your English dramatic films and BBC productions, except those properly labeled as a soporific.

By the way, it was Irving Stone that killed off JFK.

We will be happy to pay you all our back taxes due, just as soon as you have paid off our national debt accrued over the last four years and during the next four. Of course, this will probably drop you to a third or fourth-rate power rather than the second-rate position you now maintain worldwide.

As a gesture of good faith, we could move your entire little island to the San Francisco bay. You would feel so at home there with the fog, cold weather in summer and all those nancies from the San Francisco 49ers to bond with, like (sorry about that word) from your old school days.

All the best.

Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

(The following note attributed to--apparently incorrectly, but what the heck-- John Cleese has been making the internet rounds. I thought it needed to be addressed.)

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary").

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen."

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit ofconversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")--roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.